You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
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Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Need this in my life lol
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo