You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Netflix and awkward silence?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
#Caturday
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.