@liv_thatsme

You know you’re old when you see the neighbor’s dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.

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@Rollmaninoz

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

@QwertyJones3

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

@TheRealJackDee

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

@ohmygrapeness

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

@boring_as_heck

Your search – Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat – did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.

@Ilovelamp1979

My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie.

Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea

@Token_Geezer

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

@TheAlexNevil

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

@thetobbie

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…