my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
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At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
How to find Kentucky on a map
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me