Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.