You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Sunday
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.