You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.

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hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used


Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.


Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.


Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…



The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.


GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?


Waiter: how do you want your burger?
Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare


*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”


Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.


I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.