@SamuelHLowe: You know you're old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.
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@ShortSleeveSuit: [first/last day working at an Italian restaurant] CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have? ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
@CornOnTheGoblin: ? Hey there Delilah, what's it like when u go grazing I know u said you're not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing Did u just moo ?
@metafroth: How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.