@SamuelHLowe

You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.

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@electrolemon

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

@DannyZuker

Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.

@lazerdoov

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

@soanim8ed

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

@robdelaney

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

@Brampersandon_

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

@theshamingofjay

Waiter: how do you want your burger?
Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare

@JoParkerBear

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

@JasonLastname

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

@TheBoydP

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.