*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
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Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
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Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
*escorted from Starbucks
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Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Walks you into the bedroom.
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*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
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no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”