You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
