You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
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Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
beware of dog
(jukin media)
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I need a headline like this
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.