You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
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My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.