You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
the three branches of government
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My five year plan is a meteorite
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas