Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.