Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

why no one uses midhusbands

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

How is it still this week?

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.