Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

how much for the angry fruit?

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

They’re stuck in your pants?

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

Hey I worked for it too!

Me :

All Day At Night

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.