you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I put the I in Insufferable.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
