Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

I’m so full I could puke a horse

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.