Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

💀💀

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

plant them where lol

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.