Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself