You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
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A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*