You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
The cycle continues
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.