You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
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to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
me doing my best
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool