You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”