Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏