You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
going to the ER y’all need anything
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.