You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.