Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.