You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Oh my god
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My life in a nutshell
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.