Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.