You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears