You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.