You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
thoughts?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?