You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
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Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.