You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
You Might Also Like
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*