You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
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Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
in the ocean
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
New Tinder profile.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?