You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.