Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.