You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator