You know you’ve had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.

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Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t


Me: buy the kids


Me: a trampoline.



[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*


The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.


We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.


I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.


Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”


A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.


I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.


My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*


“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”