@ryaninco

You know you’ve had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

@Reel2Dialog2

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

@jwoodham

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

@markleggett

We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.

@kimtopher22

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

@hexprax

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

@Kyle_Lippert

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

@_Enanem_

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

@mommajessiec

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

@Leemanish

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”