Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing