You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
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*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*