You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
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Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist