You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
You Might Also Like
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Usage Guidelines
And that about sums it up.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
She might be a genius
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven