You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.