Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.