Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life