You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
The USS B port
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?