You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
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How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs