You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
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Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.