Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

*orders delivery*

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Now colored!