You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
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Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I have questions??
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Got him!
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.