You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
