You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
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#ProTip
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Mad Max Arctic Road
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son