Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

applying for a new job

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

they finally got him. they got macavity

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr