You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
set yourself free xox
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
Dead sexy!!
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”