Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

I already tried new things thanks.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

bugs when you lift up a rock

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.