You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
You Might Also Like
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Finally!
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado