You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
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Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
The legends were true
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
good let them take over I have had enough
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla