Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

A recipe for laughter

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.