@thebeckyard

You laugh at the burrito in my purse, until you get hungry.

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@SirEviscerate

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

@Babasnookie

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

@JONOCOYOTE

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

@wolfpupy

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

@TheMichaelRock

Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.

@leslid79

32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.

@TheToddWilliams

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

@momTruthBomb

I love how the morning light shines through the window, showing me just how much dust is all over my furniture.