[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
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someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second