You laugh at the burrito in my purse, until you get hungry.

You Might Also Like


HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations


Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it


Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.


if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank


Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.


32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.



ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days


I love how the morning light shines through the window, showing me just how much dust is all over my furniture.