Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Self-cleaning conscience

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.