You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
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Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
hi why am I like this
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
go easy on yourself <3
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.