You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
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“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.