Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.