You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.