You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

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ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more


Him: Wow you’re eating again?
Me: Wow you’re celibate again?


spraypainting “CHEATER” on my car to make it look like im sexually active


HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.


Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.


Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.


Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.


[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.