ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
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Him: Wow you’re eating again?
Me: Wow you’re celibate again?
spraypainting “CHEATER” on my car to make it look like im sexually active
The joke is on you, fruit flies. We don’t even have any fruit.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.