You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
#Caturday
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
my sentiments exactly
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
hmm conte-me mais
If a snake ate a cake
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.