Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

Cheer up.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”