Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Check your privilege

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.