You learn something every day
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cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
This made me smile…
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
is nasa ok
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?