You learn something every day
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Rude much 😂😂😂
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?