Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

Rich people don’t understand cereal

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.