You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
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Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
That de-escalated quickly
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*seductively peels off lederhosen
back to work
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
March 16
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
