you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?