Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

termite twitter scares me

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?