You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Milk Cube
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos