Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

Birds & Planes.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.