You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
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Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”