Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

pelicons

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done