Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Okay, I’m still confused…

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.