Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

The asteroid..

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

This guy’s not having it 😆

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice