Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

ㅤ

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?