you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Need this in my life lol
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
