You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
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wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade