You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
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an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Our lord and savoury.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I’m confused about plants
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there