You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
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Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team